meaningless life

there's so many stuff that i wanted to tell u, miss telling u my stories..... *sigh*

till today, i kept wondering to myself why God took u away from us ... still wondering. i guess u had repay all ur past life debts. moreover i tink God felt sad wen He sees u feel so sick and weak, i guess He doesnt want u to suffer more pain and He really loves u more den we do. tats y He want u to be with Him now.

wen u were terribly sick, i always pray to Him asking for forgiveness from our family and beg Him to give u one more chance Ma. i even told Him that if He really want to bring u along, pls bring u to a better place.

few years bek u used to tell us that u're not sure whether u will have a long life or not and u will say that if ur 'eyes closed' u will not be able to see us again. it hurt me so much wen u said that .... Ma, i guess u noe u life journey wouldnt be that long, thats y u kept on hinting us asking us to take care of ourselves wen u're gone. *sigh*

everytime b4 i sleep, i will hope u will appear in my dream. sumtimes u do appear, sumtimes u dont.

new year without u is meaningless, mother's day without u is meaningless ... seriously, life without u is meaningless . everyting seems to be so meaningless ...

nobody else just like u Ma

Ma, yesterday i was chatting wif Karen. i ask whether she get used to it to be alone at home now or not. she say day time no issue but at nite she need sumbody to be wif her. she ask me why, i said wat if i go over to KL and work now? she replied ask ta jie come bek home early. den she said "sigh, y didnt mama wait for me to finish up my secondary? 3 more years leh". silent for 5 seconds, i look at her and tot she's gonna cry. so i said "don cry ah dont cry ah". den she look at me and said "im not gonna cry. it seems tat u the one tat cried a lot". den i burst out to tears again! and she said "don make me pour one pail of water at u ah". hahahah, she was trying to cheer me up ..

just now, i was in d room wif Amy and Karen. den i recall bek sumting. and i was smiling to myself and i shared wif Amy and Karen. i said "mama got one time asked wen i wanna get married wor. i told her no money, she said no money nvm wan, can engage 1st ma. i told her no money to engage la and mama said engage no nid money wan la". both of them smile and Karen said "Mama want to see u get married. she wanna have grandkids". i straight away interrupt and said "enuf ah". and i burst out to tears again .... even now ...

Ma, i manage to cook one of the dishes u taught me and it turn out well!! =) i even cooked radish soup. i've never feel so great in cooking b4! ah mah and popo came over to visit us today =) both of them really take care of us well ... no worries Ma ... miss u so much ...

>.<

i went thru one photo album and saw ur pic Ma. u were so happy cutting your birthday cake. and i burst out to tears non stop asking how r u over there.

sigh, how i wish u were here with us chatting with us and laughing all the way ....

She's an Angel

Ma, sumbody saw that u're an Angel now =) yes i noe bout tat, i noe u're in Pureland now. its just tat i miss u around *cries*

today, we went out wif popo and ah mah for dimsum. wen we were ordering, popo told me not to order so much and was telling me one small plate dono cost how much . i told her tat its ok since she's paying for us! hahahah...it was a joke anyway and she was giggling.

den afta dimsum, we tot of dropping by at 3 yi's place, so we ask popo whether she wan to go anot? den ta jie says "u walk to her house urself meanwhile we sit car". hahaha...den she told my ah mah tat we ask her to walk, and both of them were laffing ... and popo was saying "if oni their mother is still around". sigh, ya popo, if oni mama is still around wif us chatting happily there ...

2 months since u're gone

How r u there Ma? im sure u're happy wif ur life at pureland. no worries bout us over here, we'll take care of ourselves.

ystday ta yi called from spore and ask bout us. she burst out to tears the moment she was toking to me. ta yi, the happy go lucky person, had never cried in front of us b4 . she had always been cracking jokes especially with u Ma, she said u had always love her jokes so much wic is true becoz wenever both of u were toking on d fon, u will be laughing happily all d way. and i always smile seeing u so happy. ta yi at the age of 60 now had been facing sum difficulties .... in terms of health. so i told her not to worried bout us, we will take care of ourselves, and i ask her to take care of herself there.

i remember wen the very 1st time u were diagnosed with nose cancer. u went in and out from MMC few times too. wenever u're at hospital tat time, u always crack jokes with the nurses. the very last time wen u discharged from MMC, the nurses say "see u aunty!". and with ur spontanoues respond, u said "I dowan to see u all again". and u happily bid farewell to them.

luck wasnt with u wen u were diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time. *sigh*. there were one time wen u're at the hospital, ur stomach bloated and u feel the tightness. u told the nurse tat u're having pain and u said "perut saya sakit, macam mau meletup". u still can crack joke at that time Ma.

and another time was wen a nurse came in, u complain to the nurse tat we make u not comfortable, and u said "dia orang macam hantu la, buat saya tak selesa". the nurse walk off with a smile.

there were one time wen u were resting, i help u to apply lotion at ur legs. den i suddenly burst out to tears. u heard me crying and open up ur eyes and ask why? i stop applying lotion, u grab both of my hands and i said "Ma, u will be alrite.". u gave me the look as though trying to say "i hav no choice gal. its all fated".

the other day popo told me she hope u'll appear at her dream. so far we 5 siblings had dream of u. at times 3 yi said she smell ur presence. tq for dropping by Ma.

Ma, im trying real hard to be strong. but i always break down wen im alone, even at the office. i wish u cud guide me the way to be strong just like how u guide me last time.

Dearest Ma, do take care ... we shall meet at pureland then. bye ...

Bunga Raya Porridge

Mum : lets go n eat mee hun kueh.
Us : where?
Mum : the place where we wait until wan mampus wan.


Bunga Raya Porridge located at Plaza Mahkota. my mum's favourite spot if she ever wanted to eat mee hun kueh ( her favourite food ). this makan stall usually will pack with customers and we have to wait quite long for our food. my mum called this place "wait until wanna mampus wan".

this is the place where me n my mum (only both of us) sit the very last time. Ma, i had missed u so much ....

i felt so lonely

i was supposed to go jogging after work with 2 of my other girlfrens. but both kenot make it so i went alone instead.

afta jogging, while i was driving, my mind got carried away. i was supposed to drive bek but sumhow my brain was controlling me and ask me to go sumwhere else instead. i just don like to stay at home nowadays. while i was driving, i burst out to tears alone...a lil...

so i drive myself to the nearest seaside near to MP and stop myself there. the sunset was so beautiful and the sea was so calm. i remember very well u said tat u love sea so much. and i told myself "Why didnt u wait for me to bring u out for vacation?". i cried myself out alone.

at that time wen u were at the hospital, u ask Dr Ashok repetitively wen can u discharge, Dr Ashok told u to go slow..and u replied..go fast go fast. and Dr Ashok was smiling all the way.

sigh ...

after settling down and since its getting late ,worried tat my sisters will be asking bout me, i dry up my tears and start driving bek ....