i miss u ...

as i was drinking ABC soup just now, i recalled sumting ....

i remembered wen u went for the second chemo, i cooked one big pot of ABC soup. u taste my ABC soup first and i asked u how is the taste? u said very nice.

so i got myself one bowl of ABC soup later on and tasted the potato and said "wei Ma, the potato isnt fully cooked yet".

u gave me the innocent look as though u doesnt want to hurt me wen i asked u how's d soup. its ok Ma, im still learning.

the very last time u tasted my soup was white raddish soup. u compliment on it. tat was the last time i cooked for u ...

cried again as i woke up tis morning tinking bout u ... i just miss u too much ... it hurt me so much wen i have to light u a josstick wenever i miss u. i don't wan to be this way, i wan face to face where u'll respon to me ... but again i noe it wont simply happen ...

Ting Mama De Hua

i was listening to my own mp3 at office wen i saw one song which have no title and artist name. curiousity kills the cat. so i play tat song and listen.

tears strolling down again wen the song i played was sang by Jay Chou and title "Ting Mama De Hua" (listen to you mother).

i remembered few weeks bek, i called Karen's cellphone wen her caller ringtone was tat song too. i cried a lil. i manage to ask her whether she still have tat caller ringtone , she said she no more. i asked why .. she din answered, but i noe wats her real reason ... she had missed u too Ma.

and this afternoon wen i was having lunch wif Kodok at one of the nearby cafe, the same song appear at the cafe and my heart broke into pieces.

i was having a terrible menses earlier and the 1st person came to my mind is my mum. she had always listen to my complain bout all these pain i had been experiencing. but now, i have no idea who to complain. and i told myself "Ma, where r u?". tears stroll down non-stop.

i remembered wen i was working at KL and wen my mum was not diagnosed wif liver cancer ... wenever i came bek to Mlk, i will not go out till my mum left for work. and if i were to go out, i will make sure i come bek earlier so tat i have plenty of time to be wif my mum. sumhow i just got the feeling i really nid to spend more time wif my mum. there were one day wen i got bek home early from an outing wif my frens, she ask how come im bek so early? i told her tat im old ady and don't have the energy to hang out tat much. she laff and said "ni shen cai hen kuai le". (now u very good ady). but the fact is i lied to u Ma. its not bout "don't have the energy to hang out tat much" ................... i actually wanted to see u more.

again ....

the other day at office,i called up Sharon, she started interrupting me and told me she had dream bout my family. she assured me not to worry as she knows my mum trying to tell her tat she's happy there and wanted to pass msg to us not to worry. i know Ma tat u're happy there .. its just tat i miss u too much

it was indeed a nice dream and i cried while listening to her.

i hung up d fon and cried a lil and smile to myself saying it was a gud news.

i nearly pik up the fon and started dialing my house number and wanted to tok to her..my mum. but i forgot she's no longer with us but happily at Pureland with Amitabha.

i remembered wen i was working at KL, wenever i had the free time at office i will definitely called my mum and chat with her asking whether she had taken her meals, wat is she doing and wat other gossip news to be shared wif me.

and if i received any good news, she's d 1st person i called up and share out my good news with.

but now it had changed .... * sigh *

i was out wif my girlfrens just now for breakfast and received comment saying tat i had thin down. remind me of sumting. wen i was taking care of my mum at hospital, i happily told mama tat i had thin down. and she gave me tat -______-" face. haha! damn miss her.

last nite wen i was about to sleep, i think bout u again. wondering wat u doing there. and i doze off. tis morning i woke up and think bout u .. tears stroll down again ...

its been a month..

since u gone

i still miss u

everynite wen i was about to go to sleep, i'll be thinking of u Ma. wondering how r u etc

wen i woke up, i will think bout u too .. and tears flow down ...

eversince d day u left us, 3 yi (third aunty) had been staying wif us and taking care of us. she had been sleeping in the same room wif me which is your room too.

one nite, while i was soundly asleep, sumbody was covering my cold legs with blanket. i open my eyes and it was 3 yi. i just hope tat was u , Ma.

i miss those times wen im small. wen i was about to go to sleep, i always say gud nite to u and give u flying kisses. and u respon bek too.

those were the sweet days ... wic i will cherrish it ... forever ...

I'm just not strong enuf

Dearest Mum,

as i was lighting a josstick for u just now, my tears automatically flow down. i'm trying real hard to control myself ... but i wasn't strong enuf. i still miss u Ma, very much indeed ....

'san yi' (3rd aunty) had been doing a lot of prayers for u so tat u can have a better and smoother life (which we're positive u're indeed experiencing it now). and she had been taking gud care of us. not oni 'san yi' alone, other uncles and aunties (your brothers and sisters) too had been taking care of us very well. so no worries Ma ...

a fren of 'san yi' called 'san yi' just now but 'san yi' went to temple to do prayers for u. i told her tat 'san yi' went out to do prayers and 'san yi' fren was touched and said tat was indeed very gud of her. Ma, u really have a gud family wic really take care of us well. we were lucky for tat too .. untill then Ma, do take care and wait for us at Pureland ...

How?

Dearest Mum,

House had became upside down since u're gone. all of us are not sure wat to do at times especially me, till i nearly broke down to tears wen i was doing the housework all by myself.

Seriously, i had no idea how u handle the house chores all by urself. ur daily routine was to do housework early morning till 3pm. den had ur bath and straight to work wic is from 4pm to 11pm. and u came bek home after tat and did a lil housework. how did u manage to do all by urself ???

ta jie will be waking up at 630am doing washing etc until she was supposed to go for work. and as for me, after work i will be heading home making sure u're dearest Bao Bei , Karen did her homework. after dinner i will be washing the dishes etc as well. now we understand how u had been struggling to maintain this house in gud condition.

Ma, it has been quite sumtime since we last chatted. i miss u ... again *cries*

and the memories came back ...

Ma, while i was cleaning ur pillow just now, i saw few strains of ur hair. and i started to miss u again ...

karen dreamt of u the other day. she dreamt tat she hug u n cried. and with ur soft voice u said "haiya, my tis lil girl".

d other day ta jie was crying to herself. d moment i saw her cried i cried too .... we just miss u too much Ma ...

time will heal..time will heal... *sigh*

its been 2 weeks since u're gone

ma, i still miss u so much ...been thinking a lot bout u.

and seriously, i still cannot accept the fact that u're gone. i acted as though u went for a long holiday.

yesterday i dreamt that i miss u but u're not in my dream. i miss u so much that i cried in my dream and wen i woke up, my eyes were wet.

i remembered ur last year's birthday falls on Friday. i purposely took leave on Friday without telling u so tat i cud give u a surprise, and shoot bek to Mlk on Thursday night and even bought u a cake all d way from KL. i noe u wont be around till 11pm. i quickly took shower and wen u came bek later on, i was hiding inside sister's room. u notice my towel were wet and u question my sister asking who had been using my towel. i guess u're observant or shall i say that u actually miss me ? so my sister lied tat she accidentally used my towel. and by the time its 12am, we started bringing out the cake and sing u birthday song and i show up at the end of the song. u were surprised! it was indeed a surprise bday for u mama. we asked u to make a wish and u wish tat all of us had a gud career and smooth life in future. but mama, y didnt u wish for urself? y didnt u wish tat u had a smooth life and wish for longevity? again u tink bout us...

amy was checking thru ur wallet the other day. and she saw my photo in ur wallet. there's no other photo except for my photo. i guess u do miss me a lot, just like how i miss u now ....

5 months bek wen we noe u're sick, i got u a Mystic Knot keychain from World of Fengshui. This wonderful knot symbolizes a long and happy life enriched with endless good fortunes, and uninterrupted by illnesses or setbacks. u took ur keys together with this keychain and said "Gal, lets hope tat this wonderful keychain will help me ya". my heart broke into pieces and i nearly cried out.

wen u were informed tat u were diagnosed with liver cancer, all of us broke into tears. but u were there cheering us up. we noe tat deep down in ur heart, u were like us too ... crying hard.

popo told me tat u informed her i've changed into a better person. thank u ma ... tats because u thought me how to appreciate our family and our loves one.

wen ur frens drop by to pay u last respect, ur frens saw me and said "u look just like ur mum wen she's young". i gave them a huge smile and feel proud!

ma, the other day i make ah yi cried. i told her tat i miss u so much, she was touched and she cried.

few years bek i was crying to myself due to sum reason, u gave me a hug and cried together with me. thank u ma ...

i remembered sumtimes i called u "aunty" or "madam wong" or "ah wong" instead of mama. in fact u don mind and u can respond bek saying "haiyo, aunty oso wish this tat la". and instead of saying bye i said "chiao" to u. we were just like close frens!

ma, how i wish u're still here with us. we miss ur voice, ur laughter, ur jokes, ur cooking and ur soft touch.

wen we siblings were chatting together, we will say "mama will do this mama will do tat". sigh

i heard sumthing gud bout u. we were happy bout tat news too. do take care mama. i'll always pray to Amitabha ask Him to take care of u.

gud bye ma ...